Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.
Invite a friend over to drink late night, 10 min later he calls us saying he’s in the living room. He’s nowhere to be found, look outside to see two cop cars and his car in the neighbor’s driveway.
Turns out he walked into my friends neighbors house piss drunk asking where we were at like 2 a.m .
Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?
They were engaged.
What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?
“I’m a big fan.”
One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
One of my friends and I were at a house party. She drank 8 shots of tequila one right after the other and then proceeded to have bareback anal sex on the front lawn while everyone watched. Not one of her finest moments. She’s a Mormon now, apparently.