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The day my teacher stole my headphones
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During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud.

I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless.

He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year

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Got too close to a raccoon
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We had a pet raccoon for two days (long party) who would hang out with us. We thought he was a nice furry guy, but then he betrayed us. We were pretty drunk, he left, came back with friends, looted our house.

I don’t want to be anti raccoon, but it is hard for me to trust them now. If you read this Fritz: Reconsider. Come back and we’ll start over.

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What do you call a fake noodle?
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Q: What do you call a fake noodle? / A: An im-pasta.

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When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
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When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?

When it becomes apparent.

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Socially awkward fail
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So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

But no.

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

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Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
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Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

They just don’t have the guts.

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What piece on the playground is always exhausted?
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What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

The tire swing.

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What has two legs but can’t walk?
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Q: What has two legs but can’t walk?
A: A pair of pants.

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Genital piercings locked together
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My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.

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What Matters is a Happy Ending
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Girl: God, it’s getting so cold! I should’ve brought my winter coat!
Guy: You don’t need a coat, you need a hot man to warm you up.
Girl: I need that, too…but I’d start with a coat.

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