Very Funny: Hilarious Stories and Jokes That Are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

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Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best
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One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing

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What do you call a fake noodle?
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

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Eighth grade games
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So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. Everyone would play games on their computers (we used computers to take notes) but would play them in a super sneaky manner (volume down, looking at the board so it looks like you’re taking notes, etc.). I wasn’t one for playing games during class but I was soooo bored…so I searched up Pac-Man on Google and started playing (I didn’t know what else to play).

So I started playing and just my luck I didn’t check how high my volume was….IT WAS ALL THE WAY UP. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button (my hands were shaking like crazy)….my strict science teacher looked me straight in the eye..

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Painting a roller coaster
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So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door.

Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.

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Also Because You’re Wearing Short-shorts and Rollerskates
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Teenage boy #1: All I’m saying is it’s false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you’re a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You’re telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I’m a fag?

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To be fair, it was a pretty naughty fridge
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Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.

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Why were they called the “dark ages?”
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Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights.

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Butternut squash in the vagina
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One of my friends works in the ER. He said that girls come in every once in a while with different things stuck up their vagina. Such as dildos, cucumbers, and one time a whole butternut squash.

He said it was about a foot long, close to 12cm in diameter, and weighed 2.5 pounds. Apparently if you stick something in there and fill it up it creates a vacuum-like effect which just sucks it all in. They had to break it apart inside her to break the vacuum

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Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
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Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they’re all shellfish.

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5th grade teacher
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In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office.

The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

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What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?
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Q: What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?
A: That’s nacho cheese.

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Pooping out of the penis
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My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then

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You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
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You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?

Them: Mickey Mouse

You: What duck walks on two feet?

Them: Donald Duck

You: No, all ducks do!

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A truly insane fellow
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HS. My house party. Guy asks me if he can shoot some other kid and shows me a .45. I tell him not on my property and not at my party; he apparently respected that. Later he gets drunk and cuts his own stomach open… about 1 inch deep, 8 inches wide… you can clearly see each layer of skin and fat. He then goes around “talking” with it like it’s Jim Carey’s rectum.

We eventually convince him much later to go to the hospital, as he previously refused because he was afraid they were going to commit him to the psych ward, but by then they told him it had been too long and they could only debride and dress it. He has a massive scar there now… although he’s much more sane and stable these days.

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Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
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Q. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?

A. He just flipped.

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