What did the baker say when she won an award?
“It was a piece of cake.”
My dad was a respiratory therapist and one of his patients was a sixty-year-old man. As the story goes, the man had his son with him answering all the questions. When my dad asked why this was, he just looked at the man and said, ‘Yeah dad, explain why I have to answer them.’ Long story short the man had inhaled his tobacco pipe and could feel it moving every time he talked. They got it out and when the son left the room the man asked my dad if he could have the pipe back.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
I was still in med school at the time, but I saw a guy for follow up who had used a metal cock ring which then proceeded to get stuck. He didn’t seek help for a day and then finally went to the ER where they had to saw off the cock ring. The horrific swelling and bruising wasn’t quite so bad by the time I saw him but don’t worry, he showed me a picture of what it looked like right after they sawed the ring off. I saw another dude, probably late 60s or early 70s, with similar levels of brushing and swelling who had gotten overenthusiastic with a penis pump. He very kindly told me to warn all my patients about the dangers of penis pumping. I became an OB/GYN instead
How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?
He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.
Where do snowmen keep their savings?
In the snowbank.
Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?
A. Because he found a butter lover.
Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
What do you call a fake noodle?
Q: What has two legs but can’t walk?
A: A pair of pants.
A couple years ago my friends and I were going to see a movie in the theatre at the mall. Instead of paying the ridiculous movie theatre prices for pop and candy, we decided to go to target to buy some stuff. This was when Coca Cola started to put people’s names on their bottles. My friend told me she had seen a bottle with my name on it inside this bin of Coke. I was weirdly excited since I hadn’t gotten one with my name on it yet. After I had bought the drink, I opened inside target, and it exploded EVERYWHERE. The pop was at least five or six feet in diameter. I watched as people passed the mess and made looks of disgust. Imagine if I had opened it inside of the theatre…
Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.