What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What do you call malware on a Kindle?
What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?
“I’m a big fan.”
One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it’s not!
Clerk: … Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It’s not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can’t use the computers. Get out.
Girl #1: I just don’t know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad’s a mortician.
Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming
“WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”
Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up.
This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.
Q: What do you give a sick lemon? / A: A Lemon-aid.
In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office.
The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.
Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)
Bimbette tourist: Oh my god! What’s that? It looks like a cool, underground club or secret hideout.
Friend: Um, that’s the entrance to the subway.
Q, What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
They just don’t have the guts.
How does NASA organize a party?