Very Funny: Funny Stories and Jokes for You

The toilet phase

When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.

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Where does a waitress with only one leg work?

Where does a waitress with only one leg work?

IHOP.

4 1 vote
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What do you call a blind deer?

What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.

4 1 vote
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Pooping out of the penis

My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then

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Eighth grade games

So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. Everyone would play games on their computers (we used computers to take notes) but would play them in a super sneaky manner (volume down, looking at the board so it looks like you’re taking notes, etc.). I wasn’t one for playing games during class but I was soooo bored…so I searched up Pac-Man on Google and started playing (I didn’t know what else to play).

So I started playing and just my luck I didn’t check how high my volume was….IT WAS ALL THE WAY UP. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button (my hands were shaking like crazy)….my strict science teacher looked me straight in the eye..

5 2 votes
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Ah, Screw It, I’ll Do It

Tourist to another: Ummm, we’re on Hew-stin. How do we get to–

Passerby: –Dude, it’s pronounced How-ston, not ‘Hew-stin.’ You better say it right, or someone else who’s not as nice as me will beat you up.

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How bugs feel

When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis

5 1 vote
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A party that was casually broken up by a police helicopter

Got busted by a police helicopter while drinking at the lake. Spotlighted us & and yelled at us over a bullhorn to stay still while 6 officers complete with 2 k9 units came down to where we were.

Gathered everybody up, walked us to where we parked our cars, searched us, cited one kid for having weed & then let us all go. It was pretty surreal.

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Butternut squash in the vagina

One of my friends works in the ER. He said that girls come in every once in a while with different things stuck up their vagina. Such as dildos, cucumbers, and one time a whole butternut squash.

He said it was about a foot long, close to 12cm in diameter, and weighed 2.5 pounds. Apparently if you stick something in there and fill it up it creates a vacuum-like effect which just sucks it all in. They had to break it apart inside her to break the vacuum

5 1 vote
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A banana that has seen it all

Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.

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What do you call malware on a Kindle?

What do you call malware on a Kindle?

A bookworm.

4 1 vote
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What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

The owl.

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What did the tie say to the hat?

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

4 1 vote
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What did the baker say when she won an award?

What did the baker say when she won an award?

“It was a piece of cake.”

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In the closet

OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.

4 1 vote
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