When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.
Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.
I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”
Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”
When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.
Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.
Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.
What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
My mom had a guy bring his son in with a penny in his nose. No problem, popped it out. Couple minutes later, gets a call that someone had a penny in nose. She says, no, I already took care of that. They insisted there was someone with a penny in his nose. Went out to check, there was the very same sheepish dad with a penny up HIS nose. ‘I just wanted to see how he did it…’ was his explanation.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, the signs were all there.
I’m a nurse in an emergency department and we had one guy come in with light bulb stuck in ‘that’ area. He tensed when we were removing it and it shattered; he had to go for emergency surgery.
What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life?