Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
My friends ripped a parking meter out of the ground and threw it off the fourth floor of their dorm to get it open.
It didn’t open, so they did it again.
It still didn’t open, so they toted it back up and kept it in their room until the end of the year, when they put it back in the ground.
So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.
I used to play a game called Phantasy Star Universe and I would be my own pimp AND my own hoe. I had my main account (let’s call him Dudeman) and my hoe account (let’s call her Galchick). so there was like the main floor area and people would like try to sell nudes for money (in-game, not IRL) and I was like “nobody actually does that… do they?” so I made Galchick and I took off her clothes so she was in her underwear, and then I said ONE thing on the main floor and some guy took the bait right away. he invited me back to his house and I was like “omg I’m sorry, I’m new to this! how do you transfer money?” and he did it to show me how… and then he asked for my character to teabag his and moan into the mic, and I was like a 15 year old boy, so instead… I just blocked him and took the money. that’s when I realized my one, true calling. I did it for months and I’d transfer the money from Galchick to Dudeman and all my friends wondered how I had super good gear. I miss that game everyday…
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I live in Isla Vista, where basically party central is located on a street right on the cliffs over the ocean. I was at an ATO day party, everything is all good, people were intoxicated and having a good time, then all of a sudden we hear screams and people start freaking out. Someone fell off the cliffs. Turns out it was my friend who fell off the cliffs to his death):
That was definitely one of the most craziest and traumatic experiences of my life, along with the shootings that happened here in Isla vista last weekend.
Moral of the story, don’t pee off of cliffs into the ocean when you are blacked out drunk/:
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie
What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?
Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.
Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!
One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.
1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.
2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.
Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…
I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.
I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!
What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?
“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”