UPDATED: Funny Stories and Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

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I swear to God he levitated
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I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”

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Why are toilets always so good at poker?
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Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush

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Some Judge Judy Will Take Care of That
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Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.

Girl: Interesting…

Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.

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Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?
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Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? / A: He was stuffed.

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What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?
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Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese? / A: Nacho cheese.

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My favorite teacher
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One time in 6th grade we were at recess and while I was running to my friends, I just so happened to kick a HUGE rock (keep in mind, I was wearing flip-flops so it hurt like hell) and without thinking, I shouted at the top of my lungs “MOTHERFUCKER!” And with my god-awful luck, my math teacher was sitting at the bench right BESIDE ME. He then took me inside to what I thought was yell at me but he just couldn’t stop laughing and sent me back outside with a literal candy bar. He is still my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

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What does a nosey pepper do?
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What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business. 

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Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
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Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’

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Lotion boy
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One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

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How do you get a country girl’s attention?
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How do you get a country girl’s attention?

A tractor.

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Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window?
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Q: Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window? / A: To see butter-fly.

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A horse walks into a bar
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure.”

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The ramen incident
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I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. last night, I became hungry and decided to make some ramen. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.

After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.

I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it.

Well….It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart.

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie

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Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
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Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

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