How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don’t have feet.
The host of the party decided to get into his unregistered car, without license plates, without insurance, and without a license and as drunk as the day is long. He drove the wrong way through a traffic circle (roundabout?) and ran into a road sign. His best friend then screamed his name across the road, a neighbor called the cops, told them his name, etc. He was taken in and blood tested with 2.2/mill. He was let go but he can’t apply for a license until 2018.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.
Girl is crying
Dad: Why ya’ crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I’ll be back…
A while later, dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn’t!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!
Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”
So a couple years I moved out of state with a boyfriend. Was super excited about it but with reason had anxiety about being so far from friends and family. One of the ways my anxiety was coming out was with nightmares and night terrors. I’d wake up violently sitting up in a cold sweat, gasping and whatnot. On one particular night I had woken up the sound of our doorbell ringing. Which at 4 in the morning is fucking nerve wracking. So I shook my boyfriend fully awake and told him I heard the doorbell and to go check it because I was scared. He quickly jumps up. Puts on clothes and grabs a bat. Goes all the way to the front door and opens it. I, scared shitless, am peeking around the corner watching it all go down. I see him step outside and I nervously await the verdict of the situation when I hear him call out to me. “Babe?” And I respond real shaky, “Yes?” He stands in the doorway with a real frustrated tired look in his eyes and says, “We don’t have a fucking doorbell.”
Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming
“WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”
Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up.
This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.
Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies.
It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.
My mom had a guy bring his son in with a penny in his nose. No problem, popped it out. Couple minutes later, gets a call that someone had a penny in nose. She says, no, I already took care of that. They insisted there was someone with a penny in his nose. Went out to check, there was the very same sheepish dad with a penny up HIS nose. ‘I just wanted to see how he did it…’ was his explanation.