UPDATED: Best Jokes That Will Have the Whole Family Laughing

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

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Why did bread break up with margarine?

Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?

A. Because he found a butter lover.

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What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? 

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

3 1 vote
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What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine.

4 1 vote
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents!

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What’s Cooler Than Star Trek? (Besides Everything)

HS Girl: That’s all she talks about. She watches Star Trek, she talks about Star Trek, she gets Star Trek tattoos all over her body.
HS Guy: At least my tattoo is cool.

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How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB.

5 1 vote
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What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

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The man who swallowed a tobacco pipe

My dad was a respiratory therapist and one of his patients was a sixty-year-old man. As the story goes, the man had his son with him answering all the questions. When my dad asked why this was, he just looked at the man and said, ‘Yeah dad, explain why I have to answer them.’ Long story short the man had inhaled his tobacco pipe and could feel it moving every time he talked. They got it out and when the son left the room the man asked my dad if he could have the pipe back.

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Trimming the “hedges”

Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital.

A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.

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What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

Hogwarts.

5 1 vote
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Where do snowmen keep their savings?

Where do snowmen keep their savings?

In the snowbank.

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A guy casually tackling a cop

I saw a guy run out of a party and tackle a cop off a horse.

4 1 vote
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