Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.
Friend of mine was at a party the cops busted. It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow.
Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says “you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,” proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg. Funny as shit.
14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.
I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
What do you call a fake noodle?
Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing?
A. The meatball.
OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.
So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles. They all smelled strange so we started to think about names we could give them ‘grandma’s toilet cleaning agent’ or sth like this. Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. Suddenly my brother’s best friend stood behind us and from this day he’s thinking that I’m taking drugs.
I just sniff candles with my best friend to burst out in laughter.
Q: How do you make an artichoke? / A: You strangle it.
If the early bird gets the worm,
I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousin’s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.
Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.
One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.