I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card.
I did this every quarter that year.
I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.
She was PISSED—at the school for their error.
The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
In 2008 I had a buddy that was at a party in Tuscaloosa, AL and woke up in Meridian Mississippi 90 miles away in some old lady’s front yard in only his underwear and cellphone stuffed in his crotch. I had to drive down from Huntsville, AL (about 200 miles) to get him.
When I got to the sweet old lady’s house he was on the front porch with a glass of sweet tea wearing her late husbands bath robe. To this day he still has no idea what happened and he still has the bathrobe.
Someone told me that I should write a book.
I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”
Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.
Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
He always had his head stuck in the clouds.
Tourist to another: Ummm, we’re on Hew-stin. How do we get to–
Passerby: –Dude, it’s pronounced How-ston, not ‘Hew-stin.’ You better say it right, or someone else who’s not as nice as me will beat you up.
I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.
Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.
So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.
I was still in med school at the time, but I saw a guy for follow up who had used a metal cock ring which then proceeded to get stuck. He didn’t seek help for a day and then finally went to the ER where they had to saw off the cock ring. The horrific swelling and bruising wasn’t quite so bad by the time I saw him but don’t worry, he showed me a picture of what it looked like right after they sawed the ring off. I saw another dude, probably late 60s or early 70s, with similar levels of brushing and swelling who had gotten overenthusiastic with a penis pump. He very kindly told me to warn all my patients about the dangers of penis pumping. I became an OB/GYN instead
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
The foreign exchange student from Sweden took too much MDMA and ended up dancing in the living room with his pants and briefs pulled down.
There he was, in the living room of a massive party, with his tiny little dick swaying back and forth. He was kicked out, and kept coming back dancing with his pants at his ankles.
He came back the next day to apologize; it was his first week being a foreign exchange student at our school. Yes, a meme was made.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?