Short Stories and Funny Jokes

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Want to hear a joke about a roof?
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Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house.

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SonofabitchAdam
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I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

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What is Marco’s favorite clothing store?
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What is Marco’s favorite clothing store?

Polo.

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Why do melons have weddings?
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Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

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A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
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A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

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Not the smartest drunk, but definitely the most clever
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One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up. 

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Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though
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Girl: Why do you like her so much?

Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!

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I tried to win a suntanning competition
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I tried to win a suntanning competition.

But all I got was bronze.

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That time in freshman year
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So I was always the person who’d try to leave class really fast so I wouldn’t always being paying attention to some very crucial surroundings. So I’m sitting in math class where our teacher makes us put our book bags against the wall to the side of the room. The bell rings and being that kid that wants to get out I don’t bother putting all my stuff away and I just grab my RED backpack and I’m gone. I get all the way to my science class and set the book bag at my desk when LO AND BEHOLD it’s not my backpack. It’s another ALSO RED backpack that I had mistakenly took in my rush to get to science. So I have this mini freak out at my friend Seth sitting next to me. As a freshman and quite socially inept I decide not to really do anything about it until lunch which was next block. I had some paper in my arms from last class so I decided to use those and figure out everything during lunch instead of making a scene at like literally the first week of my high school career.

So we go into science class and since it’s the first week we’re always doing the scientific method lesson before anything else. My teacher asks the class for a problem we can apply to it right? Well guess who raises his hand? SETH. Now my teacher adored Seth so he gets called on and you know what his answer was?? “what if you accidentally stole someone’s backpack? like, you thought it was yours and you didn’t mean to take it” and my teacher was like why don’t you tell me more about this so Seth goes “oh it’s not my problem it’s HERS” and POINTS TO ME. Complete mortification. and even then my teacher was confused thinking I had just come up with the problem but no. only if. I hold up the stolen backpack and my teacher had the most dumbfounded look like I have never encountered someone that failed at life more than you. so he calls my math teacher yada yada I get my backpack. the worst part? We ended up continuing with that scenario and took notes on the scientific method using the very problem that I had created. my hypothesis? If I wasn’t a complete fail then I’d be able to get my own bag properly.

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What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
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What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine.

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What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
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Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.

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What did the tie say to the hat?
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What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

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Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
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Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

He got fired.

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My mom’s thong
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One day when I was 3 I decided I wanted to be like my mom and wear “big girl” panties. I sneakily went through her drawer and grabbed the first thing I could find – a thong (I didn’t know what it was at the time). She didn’t know until we went to breakfast with some friends and took me to the bathroom. She still won’t let me live it down!

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

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