I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card.
I did this every quarter that year.
I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.
She was PISSED—at the school for their error.
The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.
One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure.
Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.
So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door.
Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?
“Don’t be such a wet blanket.”
What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.
Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.
Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.
Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”