What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
I started a new job as a tailor last week.
It’s been sew-sew.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.
What gets wetter the more it dries?
When I was around 9 years old I was starting to get confused about my sexuality so I would always look up “Are You Gay” quizzes on our family computer because I was scared and confused, and my mom eventually saw the searches in the history and confronted me about it. I lied about it and said I had accidentally clicked an ad. As it turns out, I am gay.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
I’ve always had super vivid dreams and it takes me a while after waking up to realize that they’re not real. Sometimes, it’s a disappointment but generally I just forget about it and move on. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with. One night, I had a really vivid dream where my friend and I had this huge falling out over something that I can’t even remember now.
I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on. Of course, as I’m telling the story I realize the events were super weird and that it was all a dream. I fall silent and just look at my friend who’s still extremely upset and don’t know what to say because I had fucked up so badly.
If the early bird gets the worm,
I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
I was still in med school at the time, but I saw a guy for follow up who had used a metal cock ring which then proceeded to get stuck. He didn’t seek help for a day and then finally went to the ER where they had to saw off the cock ring. The horrific swelling and bruising wasn’t quite so bad by the time I saw him but don’t worry, he showed me a picture of what it looked like right after they sawed the ring off. I saw another dude, probably late 60s or early 70s, with similar levels of brushing and swelling who had gotten overenthusiastic with a penis pump. He very kindly told me to warn all my patients about the dangers of penis pumping. I became an OB/GYN instead