I’ve always had super vivid dreams and it takes me a while after waking up to realize that they’re not real. Sometimes, it’s a disappointment but generally I just forget about it and move on. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with. One night, I had a really vivid dream where my friend and I had this huge falling out over something that I can’t even remember now.
I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on. Of course, as I’m telling the story I realize the events were super weird and that it was all a dream. I fall silent and just look at my friend who’s still extremely upset and don’t know what to say because I had fucked up so badly.
Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.
In 2008 I had a buddy that was at a party in Tuscaloosa, AL and woke up in Meridian Mississippi 90 miles away in some old lady’s front yard in only his underwear and cellphone stuffed in his crotch. I had to drive down from Huntsville, AL (about 200 miles) to get him.
When I got to the sweet old lady’s house he was on the front porch with a glass of sweet tea wearing her late husbands bath robe. To this day he still has no idea what happened and he still has the bathrobe.
After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.
I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”
I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue.
I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.
How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.
Went to a house party freshman year of high school in Europe. It was this rich girls apartment in a pretty high building (10-12 stories). She lived on the top floor of this building and after getting drunk and a little high (towelie style), I started feeling pretty confident in myself. She had a small balcony and it was next to her neighbors balcony which was about a 2 meter gap of nothing all the way down in between. In my drunken stupor I decided that moment would be the first time I said “hold my beer”. I stood up on the handrail and jumped across to the other balcony and back completely drunk. The second jump back really put how high up I was into perspective when I looked down at the middle of the jump. Landed safely but god that could’ve ended poorly.
Where does a waitress with only one leg work?