Jokes That You Can’t Help But Laugh At

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Did you hear about the famous pickle?
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Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!

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What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
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What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

The sta-tues.

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Some Judge Judy Will Take Care of That
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Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.

Girl: Interesting…

Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.

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I swear to God he levitated
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I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”

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How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
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How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB.

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How to win at video games
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When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password.

So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids).

I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

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Wednesday One-Liners Like to Move It, Move It!
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Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us.

Thank you for your patience.

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What gets wetter the more it dries?
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What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

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Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
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Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications.

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Fecal matter, everywhere
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Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.

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