Jokes That You Can’t Help But Laugh At

Can We Just Agree That Suits Are a Bad Idea in the Summer?

20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.

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I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

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The Bouncer Made Them Wait Two Hours

Bimbette tourist: Oh my god! What’s that? It looks like a cool, underground club or secret hideout.
Friend: Um, that’s the entrance to the subway.

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I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief

I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, the signs were all there.

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The man who swallowed a tobacco pipe

My dad was a respiratory therapist and one of his patients was a sixty-year-old man. As the story goes, the man had his son with him answering all the questions. When my dad asked why this was, he just looked at the man and said, ‘Yeah dad, explain why I have to answer them.’ Long story short the man had inhaled his tobacco pipe and could feel it moving every time he talked. They got it out and when the son left the room the man asked my dad if he could have the pipe back.

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A full sun

After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

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Why are toilets always so good at poker?

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush

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Ow, my shit!

When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”

Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”

When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.

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