Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!
An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, “Hey son. Whatcha got there?”
The kid replies, “I got me some chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.”
The old timer responds, “Oh son, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
“Well, I’ll be…'” says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?”
The kid responds, “I got me some duct tape. I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”
The old timer laughs, “Son, you can’t catch no ducks using duct tape.”
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape.”
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?”
The kid shouts back to the old timer, “I got me some pussy willow.”
The old timer shouts out, “Hold on son…while I get my hat!”
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it’s not!
Clerk: … Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It’s not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can’t use the computers. Get out.
When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password.
So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids).
I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.
Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.
Got incredibly drunk, passed out, woke up just in time to see a few of the guys siphoning petrol out of the lawnmower and lighting their hands on fire (then immediately dunking them in water). Passed out again, woke up to a guy t-bagging my face. My mate then took a shit in the washing machine.
Was an interesting night.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.
Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date.
He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza.
We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done.
He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.”
I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs.
We never had a second date.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!
Where do wasps like to get lunch?