Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.
Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
College. Guy goes upstairs to pass out. Girl is already in the bed of his choosing. Amazing sex sounds.
Morning after, horrible screaming. Guy and Girl turn out to be siblings.
My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue.
I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine.
I live in Isla Vista, where basically party central is located on a street right on the cliffs over the ocean. I was at an ATO day party, everything is all good, people were intoxicated and having a good time, then all of a sudden we hear screams and people start freaking out. Someone fell off the cliffs. Turns out it was my friend who fell off the cliffs to his death):
That was definitely one of the most craziest and traumatic experiences of my life, along with the shootings that happened here in Isla vista last weekend.
Moral of the story, don’t pee off of cliffs into the ocean when you are blacked out drunk/:
Want to hear a joke about a roof?
The first one’s on the house.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.
Was at a Halloween party and passed out on top of a cooler. I awoke to my friends saying the cops were there and we had to run. So my friends and I were dressed up as a geisha girl, Cinderella, Abby cadabby and Tinkerbell….all running down the road trying to avoid an mip. We make it to a 7-11 and call my friends boyfriend to take us home.
He shows up dressed as batman and drunk. He drives us home and on his way home gets pulled over and flees on foot. He then goes home and reports that someone in a batman costume stole his jeep….and got away with it.
Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure.”
Suit #1: I haven’t had a regular check up in years, but I’ve had about five MRIs. There’s a lot going on in my head.
Suit #2: Yeah, everything but a full head of hair!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
The foreign exchange student from Sweden took too much MDMA and ended up dancing in the living room with his pants and briefs pulled down.
There he was, in the living room of a massive party, with his tiny little dick swaying back and forth. He was kicked out, and kept coming back dancing with his pants at his ankles.
He came back the next day to apologize; it was his first week being a foreign exchange student at our school. Yes, a meme was made.