Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

Cringey!

My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?

Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.

So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?

THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?

I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.

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Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’

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Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights.

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What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?

Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? 

A. Patty!

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Such a Good Boy

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.

Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!

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How does NASA organize a party?

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

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What do you call a musician with problems?

What do you call a musician with problems?

A trebled man.

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Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window?

Q: Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window? / A: To see butter-fly.

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I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

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In the closet

OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.

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Where do beef burgers go dancing?

Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing?

A. The meatball.

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Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

They were engaged.

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What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

The sta-tues.

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What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

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I started a new job as a tailor last week

I started a new job as a tailor last week.

It’s been sew-sew.

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