Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.
I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!
Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.
Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.
Tourist to another: Ummm, we’re on Hew-stin. How do we get to–
Passerby: –Dude, it’s pronounced How-ston, not ‘Hew-stin.’ You better say it right, or someone else who’s not as nice as me will beat you up.
Someone told me that I should write a book.
I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”
How does NASA organize a party?