I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, the signs were all there.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.
So about a year ago, I was in Phys. Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. I hadn’t done it before because of medical reasons, but the teacher evidently forgot about it. I’m incredibly bad with directions and easily distracted, so I lost sight of the rest of the group and went completely the wrong way. I ended up being lost for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. the best part is that I single handedly changed my school’s Phys. Ed policy.
Invite a friend over to drink late night, 10 min later he calls us saying he’s in the living room. He’s nowhere to be found, look outside to see two cop cars and his car in the neighbor’s driveway.
Turns out he walked into my friends neighbors house piss drunk asking where we were at like 2 a.m .
How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don’t have feet.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
It was loaf at first sight.