Short Stories and Funny Jokes

Dog reported to have chased someone on a bike

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…

“Mr Cook?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

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Why do comedians love eggs?

Q. Why do comedians love eggs?

A. They’re easy to crack up.

5 1 vote
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Where do snowmen keep their savings?

Where do snowmen keep their savings?

In the snowbank.

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Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though

Girl: Why do you like her so much?

Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!

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I literally “fell” for him

Since my crush sits behind me in class, when we stood up to do the pledge I stood up too fast and I stumbled over to him so to not fall on the ground I reached to grab his desk but I accidentally GRABBED HIM and I ended up falling on top of him and we both screamed.

Luckily I didn’t hurt or crush him. My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards. Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me…

5 1 vote
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What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

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Where do wasps like to get lunch?

Where do wasps like to get lunch?

A bee-stro.

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Fecal matter, everywhere

Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.

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What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderpants

5 1 vote
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The Two Would Go on to Become Lifelong Friends

Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.

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I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

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Why was the ghost so tired?

Why was the ghost so tired?

He worked the graveyard shift.

4 1 vote
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The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

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Why do they serve yogurt at museums?

Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?

A. Because it’s cultured.

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Senior citizen with chlamydia

Not a doctor but a medic in an ER. My favorite so far is having to call security on a wife when the doctor told the patient (70-year-old dude) that he had chlamydia and the wife started freaking out and yelling about cheating. Somewhat embarrassing I guess.

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