TOP 15 | Stories and Selection of the best dad jokes

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What did the cupcake tell its frosting?
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Q: What did the cupcake tell its frosting? / A: I’d be muffin without you.

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Woke up to his toilet broken in half
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My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.

We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.

Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.

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Never disturb a blacked-out man
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Guy who was passed out dead-drunk, someone thought it would be funny to hit him in the balls.

Sleeping dude jumps up with ninja speed and stands in the middle of the room in fighting position, looks confused at us all laughing, mumbles something, goes back to his sleeping place and lays down.

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A blackout driving incident
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The host of the party decided to get into his unregistered car, without license plates, without insurance, and without a license and as drunk as the day is long. He drove the wrong way through a traffic circle (roundabout?) and ran into a road sign. His best friend then screamed his name across the road, a neighbor called the cops, told them his name, etc. He was taken in and blood tested with 2.2/mill. He was let go but he can’t apply for a license until 2018.

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Why do melons have weddings?
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Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

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What has four wheels and flies?
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Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.

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What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
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What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?

It was loaf at first sight.

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Painting a roller coaster
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So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door.

Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.

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What piece on the playground is always exhausted?
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What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

The tire swing.

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What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?
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What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?

cat-astrophe.

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Why are frogs always so happy?
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Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

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Got too close to a raccoon
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We had a pet raccoon for two days (long party) who would hang out with us. We thought he was a nice furry guy, but then he betrayed us. We were pretty drunk, he left, came back with friends, looted our house.

I don’t want to be anti raccoon, but it is hard for me to trust them now. If you read this Fritz: Reconsider. Come back and we’ll start over.

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Her mom showed up
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My mom showed up.

I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.

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Foreign student trauma
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When I first moved from Lithuania to America I was 5 years old and didn’t speak any English. On the first day of kindergarten I was crying so much that my teacher picked me up and let me sit on her lap, meanwhile the rest of the kids sat on the carpet in front of me and watched me cry while she explained to them what was going on (in a language I didn’t understand).

Our school was 3 buildings put together, and the pick up was at the “blue” building but my classroom was at the “red” building, so they put a sign over my neck that said “I don’t speak English and I’m going to the blue building” and sent me away to follow a crowd of other kids. I’m still traumatized

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Takes Years to Learn There Is No Real World
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Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?

–Columbia University

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