TOP 15 | Popular Stories and Jokes That Will Have the Whole Family Laughing

What do you call a toothless bear?

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear!

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure.”

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50 shades of butt

So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.

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What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?

Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese? / A: Nacho cheese.

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I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief

I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, the signs were all there.

4 1 vote
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Why should you never tell a taco a secret?

Q. Why should you never tell a taco a secret?

A. Because they tend to spill the beans.

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SonofabitchAdam

I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

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Why did bread break up with margarine?

Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?

A. Because he found a butter lover.

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They Think It’s Growing on the Inside

Suit #1: I haven’t had a regular check up in years, but I’ve had about five MRIs. There’s a lot going on in my head.
Suit #2: Yeah, everything but a full head of hair!

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.

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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

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Slappy trails

One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.

1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.

2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.

Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…

SMACK.

I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.

I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.

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The ramen incident

I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. last night, I became hungry and decided to make some ramen. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.

After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.

I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it.

Well….It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart.

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