TOP 15 | Popular Stories and Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

They Think It’s Growing on the Inside

Suit #1: I haven’t had a regular check up in years, but I’ve had about five MRIs. There’s a lot going on in my head.
Suit #2: Yeah, everything but a full head of hair!

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What do you call a toothless bear?

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear!

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What’s Cooler Than Star Trek? (Besides Everything)

HS Girl: That’s all she talks about. She watches Star Trek, she talks about Star Trek, she gets Star Trek tattoos all over her body.
HS Guy: At least my tattoo is cool.

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Tooth lodged in the ear canal

My brother had lost a baby tooth. He was lying on the couch watching TV playing with the tooth in his fingers above his head. He dropped the tooth and it fell directly into his ear canal.

After trying to get it out himself with his fingers he only pushed it deeper in. My father took him to the hospital to get it extracted. The doctor said he had never seen a case of a tooth lodged into an ear canal.

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What did the cupcake tell its frosting?

Q: What did the cupcake tell its frosting? / A: I’d be muffin without you.

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Skull lover

So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

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Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights.

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Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

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Applied for a job at McDonalds

I got piss drunk and wandered off to McDonalds, which was like a mile off campus. I don’t remember even leaving but I got a call a week later from the McDonald’s saying I didn’t get the job because I didn’t go to the interview. I guess in my drunken state I got there and realized I had no money so I must have sat there and applied for a job. Didn’t remember a thing

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I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

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Trimming the “hedges”

Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital.

A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.

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Jellyfish fiasco

So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”

The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”

and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said

“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.

So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.

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His face looks like the best chair

So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.

But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.

She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.

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Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

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A party in a church never turns out well

Rave party in a church. Some half-brown dreadlocked dude in a Jesus costume fucked a girl in the priest booth above the DJ stage.

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