TOP 15 | Popular Jokes Anyone Can Remember

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Was duly reprimanded for illegal hot dog selling
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I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.

EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.

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What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
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What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

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Not the smartest drunk, but definitely the most clever
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One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up. 

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Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites
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Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

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What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?
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What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?

“I’m a big fan.”

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What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?
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What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?

cat-astrophe.

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Two goldfish are in a tank
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

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Why did bread break up with margarine?
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Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?

A. Because he found a butter lover.

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Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best
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One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing

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Popcorn
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My sister, mother, and I were waiting in a long line at the Sam’s Club food court. The entire time I was waiting, I was mentally rehearsing what my order would be “one slice of cheese pizza please”, my mind was repeatedly screaming at me. when we got up to the cashier to pay, I got distracted by his cuteness so instead of asking for the pizza, I confidently said “one popcorn please”, which SAMs Club food court has none of. Once I realized my mistake, I screamed out “noooo”, loud enough for 50 people to look at me. embarrassed, I ran away and my mom and sister had to bring me the slice of pizza from my finding place in the freezer section. To this day, I beg people to order for me when anyone remotely attractive is working the cash register.

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Fecal matter, everywhere
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Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.

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Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?
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Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? / A: He was stuffed.

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How did the hipster burn his mouth?
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

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Where do beef burgers go dancing?
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Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing?

A. The meatball.

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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature
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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

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