TOP 15 | Jokes for Friends and Family

What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?

Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? 

A. Patty!

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Classic foreign exchange student move

The foreign exchange student from Sweden took too much MDMA and ended up dancing in the living room with his pants and briefs pulled down.

There he was, in the living room of a massive party, with his tiny little dick swaying back and forth. He was kicked out, and kept coming back dancing with his pants at his ankles.

He came back the next day to apologize; it was his first week being a foreign exchange student at our school. Yes, a meme was made.

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Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

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What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?

What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?

“Don’t be such a wet blanket.”

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Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)

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I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

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Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?

Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?

She always spilled the tea.

4 1 vote
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We don’t have a fucking doorbell

So a couple years I moved out of state with a boyfriend. Was super excited about it but with reason had anxiety about being so far from friends and family. One of the ways my anxiety was coming out was with nightmares and night terrors. I’d wake up violently sitting up in a cold sweat, gasping and whatnot. On one particular night I had woken up the sound of our doorbell ringing. Which at 4 in the morning is fucking nerve wracking. So I shook my boyfriend fully awake and told him I heard the doorbell and to go check it because I was scared. He quickly jumps up. Puts on clothes and grabs a bat. Goes all the way to the front door and opens it. I, scared shitless, am peeking around the corner watching it all go down. I see him step outside and I nervously await the verdict of the situation when I hear him call out to me. “Babe?” And I respond real shaky, “Yes?” He stands in the doorway with a real frustrated tired look in his eyes and says, “We don’t have a fucking doorbell.”

5 1 vote
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What did one plate whisper to the other plate?

Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.

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Don’t sit on cold ground

So a couple weeks ago, me and my friends were sitting on this cement kind of pedestal (as we called it) It’s basically the steps up to the portable. (classroom that no one uses) and this weird supply French teacher comes up to us and says: you shouldn’t be sitting on this ground, it’s too cold and it’s bad for your ovaries. I asked her how or why and she said that if children sit on cold ground their ovaries will freeze and that we won’t be able to have kids. Now it’s an inside joke between us about not sitting on cold ground.

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What do you give a sick lemon?

Q: What do you give a sick lemon? / A: A Lemon-aid.

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You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?

You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?

Them: Mickey Mouse

You: What duck walks on two feet?

Them: Donald Duck

You: No, all ducks do!

4 1 vote
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Skull lover

So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

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