TOP 15 | Funny Selection of the best dad jokes

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I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster
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I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

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What do you call a cow with a twitch?
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

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What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
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Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.

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Trimming the “hedges”
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Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital.

A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.

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But I’m Pretty Sure Xavier’s Mansion Is in Weschester, NY
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Student #1: Yo, what’s in Iceland?
Student #2: Nigga, what do you think? Ice, obviously!
Student #1: Don’t that mean Iceman lives there, then?
Student #2: Good question…

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Applied for a job at McDonalds
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I got piss drunk and wandered off to McDonalds, which was like a mile off campus. I don’t remember even leaving but I got a call a week later from the McDonald’s saying I didn’t get the job because I didn’t go to the interview. I guess in my drunken state I got there and realized I had no money so I must have sat there and applied for a job. Didn’t remember a thing

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What do you call an attractive fruit?
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Q: What do you call an attractive fruit? / A: A fine-apple.

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Which bear is the most condescending?
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Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

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We Have Our First Victim
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Teen boy: They should have a test for eveyone coming out of high school to weed out the stupid kids from the gene pool. If you don’t pass, you die.

Teen girl: Yeah, like how momma hamsters eat their babies when they know they won’t make it in the real world.

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Why do melons have weddings?
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Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

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Arrow in the eyeball
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Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye

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What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
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What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

The sta-tues.

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Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?
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Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?

No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.

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You Can Tell By His ‘I Really Heart New York’ Hat
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Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York. 

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What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
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What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?

“Put it on my bill.”

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