TOP 15 | Funny Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

The elusive cockblocking, jumping man

I saw a man nobody knew jumping out a window of my room.

Everyone was drinking, smoking and all the usual things, and finally I got upstairs with a girl, to my bedroom. We were beginning our stuff and this fucking crazy man stormed in and directly jumped outside. I didn’t know what to do. As it was a 2 stories building, at the moment it was not sure he was dead or not, but we learned it soon after.

That stranger cockblocked me more than anything.

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Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

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Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they’re all shellfish.

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Someone stole my mood ring yesterday

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

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A failed ruse

My friends ripped a parking meter out of the ground and threw it off the fourth floor of their dorm to get it open.

It didn’t open, so they did it again.

It still didn’t open, so they toted it back up and kept it in their room until the end of the year, when they put it back in the ground.

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What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”

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Lotion boy

One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

5 1 vote
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Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?

Girl #1: I am, like, so sick of eating matzah!
Girl #2: I’m not Jewish, but I like to eat it.
Girl #1: Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?
Girl #2: I think it’s, like, because the Jews were baking bread when the Nazis came and they didn’t have time to wait for it to cook, right?

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We don’t have a fucking doorbell

So a couple years I moved out of state with a boyfriend. Was super excited about it but with reason had anxiety about being so far from friends and family. One of the ways my anxiety was coming out was with nightmares and night terrors. I’d wake up violently sitting up in a cold sweat, gasping and whatnot. On one particular night I had woken up the sound of our doorbell ringing. Which at 4 in the morning is fucking nerve wracking. So I shook my boyfriend fully awake and told him I heard the doorbell and to go check it because I was scared. He quickly jumps up. Puts on clothes and grabs a bat. Goes all the way to the front door and opens it. I, scared shitless, am peeking around the corner watching it all go down. I see him step outside and I nervously await the verdict of the situation when I hear him call out to me. “Babe?” And I respond real shaky, “Yes?” He stands in the doorway with a real frustrated tired look in his eyes and says, “We don’t have a fucking doorbell.”

5 1 vote
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A drunken piss turned tragic

I live in Isla Vista, where basically party central is located on a street right on the cliffs over the ocean. I was at an ATO day party, everything is all good, people were intoxicated and having a good time, then all of a sudden we hear screams and people start freaking out. Someone fell off the cliffs. Turns out it was my friend who fell off the cliffs to his death):

That was definitely one of the most craziest and traumatic experiences of my life, along with the shootings that happened here in Isla vista last weekend.

Moral of the story, don’t pee off of cliffs into the ocean when you are blacked out drunk/:

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Panic! at the pothole

Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming
“WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”

Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up.

This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.

 
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Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best

One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing

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A horrible, awful happenstance

College. Guy goes upstairs to pass out. Girl is already in the bed of his choosing. Amazing sex sounds.

 

Morning after, horrible screaming. Guy and Girl turn out to be siblings.

4 1 vote
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