Why is sand so optimistic?
It has a can-dune attitude.
Hipster boy: That’s why they call this the windy city?
Hipster girl: This isn’t the windy city — that’s Seattle!
What do you call a fake noodle?
One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure.
Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they makeup.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
Q: Why did the tomato blush? / A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.
I saw a man nobody knew jumping out a window of my room.
Everyone was drinking, smoking and all the usual things, and finally I got upstairs with a girl, to my bedroom. We were beginning our stuff and this fucking crazy man stormed in and directly jumped outside. I didn’t know what to do. As it was a 2 stories building, at the moment it was not sure he was dead or not, but we learned it soon after.
That stranger cockblocked me more than anything.
My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.
I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door.
Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.
Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.
I still don’t know how I feel about that.
I’ve always had super vivid dreams and it takes me a while after waking up to realize that they’re not real. Sometimes, it’s a disappointment but generally I just forget about it and move on. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with. One night, I had a really vivid dream where my friend and I had this huge falling out over something that I can’t even remember now.
I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on. Of course, as I’m telling the story I realize the events were super weird and that it was all a dream. I fall silent and just look at my friend who’s still extremely upset and don’t know what to say because I had fucked up so badly.