TODAY: Best Selection of the best dad jokes

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I’m still working on it.

0 0 votes
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Gay teacher

So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.

Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.

My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.

4 1 vote
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A fight over a girl turned fatal

Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.

Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.

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The fake report card

I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card.

I did this every quarter that year.

I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.

She was PISSED—at the school for their error.

The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

5 1 vote
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.

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The Collar I Bought Will Fit Either

14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.

5 1 vote
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Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

The sink.

4 1 vote
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First phone accident

When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. It was a pink little slide phone where you’d slide it sideways and have the texting keyboard and all. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. My mom ended up giving me her first flip phone which didn’t even have a camera or the option to have music or photos transferred. Lesson learned.

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Why was the ghost so tired?

Why was the ghost so tired?

He worked the graveyard shift.

4 1 vote
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What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?

What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?

A breakfast bar.

4 1 vote
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Penile fracture

Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies.

It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night

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But I’m Pretty Sure Xavier’s Mansion Is in Weschester, NY

Student #1: Yo, what’s in Iceland?
Student #2: Nigga, what do you think? Ice, obviously!
Student #1: Don’t that mean Iceman lives there, then?
Student #2: Good question…

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie

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Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Q. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

A. Because he always has a great fall.

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Don’t They Know They Can’t Jump?

Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.

5 1 vote
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0 0 votes
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