TODAY: Best Jokes That Are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.

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Why did the tomato turn red?

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

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Takes Years to Learn There Is No Real World

Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?

–Columbia University

4 1 vote
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Woke up 90 miles away from where he started

In 2008 I had a buddy that was at a party in Tuscaloosa, AL and woke up in Meridian Mississippi 90 miles away in some old lady’s front yard in only his underwear and cellphone stuffed in his crotch. I had to drive down from Huntsville, AL (about 200 miles) to get him.

When I got to the sweet old lady’s house he was on the front porch with a glass of sweet tea wearing her late husbands bath robe. To this day he still has no idea what happened and he still has the bathrobe.

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Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?

Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?

The leeks.

4 1 vote
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Don’t They Know They Can’t Jump?

Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.

5 1 vote
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A whole slew of upsetting revelations

Got incredibly drunk, passed out, woke up just in time to see a few of the guys siphoning petrol out of the lawnmower and lighting their hands on fire (then immediately dunking them in water). Passed out again, woke up to a guy t-bagging my face. My mate then took a shit in the washing machine.

Was an interesting night.

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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

5 1 vote
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Just witnessed someone eat an ear, no biggie

I saw a dude on drugs eat some guys ear… We were having the good old parties back in college when a guy outside went crazy. He literally ripped the dudes ear of and started munching on that little fucker.

Someone called the cops and he was arrested, 2 years later he was arrested again for having 3 kids in his basement.

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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

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A full sun

After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

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“Fairy” is a Much More Polite Slur

Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!

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Something you don’t see every day…

One of my best friends was thrown out of a window naked while having sex with a girl.

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What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?

Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?

A. A jam session.

4 1 vote
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