Jokes in English

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And the Lord said unto John
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And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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In a Totally Unrelated Question, What Gets Out Blood?
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Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!

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Why did the banana go to the hospital?
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Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital? / A: He was peeling really bad.

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Penile fracture
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Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies.

It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night

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Trimming the “hedges”
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Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital.

A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.

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The beauty of Halloween
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Was at a Halloween party and passed out on top of a cooler. I awoke to my friends saying the cops were there and we had to run. So my friends and I were dressed up as a geisha girl, Cinderella, Abby cadabby and Tinkerbell….all running down the road trying to avoid an mip. We make it to a 7-11 and call my friends boyfriend to take us home.

He shows up dressed as batman and drunk. He drives us home and on his way home gets pulled over and flees on foot. He then goes home and reports that someone in a batman costume stole his jeep….and got away with it.

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Why was the math book always worried?
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Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.

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How do you make a tissue dance?
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How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

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Do you want to hear a construction joke?
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Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

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My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much
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My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?
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Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels.

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Why did the cashier rip money in half?
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Why did the cashier rip money in half?

They were asked to break a bill.

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You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
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You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

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