Jokes in English

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.

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Such a Good Boy

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.

Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!

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Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Q. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

A. Because he always has a great fall.

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What kind of shape may have been knighted?

What kind of shape may have been knighted? 

Cir-cles.

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Ow, my shit!

When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”

Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”

When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.

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Why are toilets always so good at poker?

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush

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What do you call an attractive fruit?

Q: What do you call an attractive fruit? / A: A fine-apple.

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Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best

One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing

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I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

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Why do they serve yogurt at museums?

Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?

A. Because it’s cultured.

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How bugs feel

When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis

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What has two legs but can’t walk?

Q: What has two legs but can’t walk?
A: A pair of pants.

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Two goldfish are in a tank

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

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Glade Air Freshener can where it’s most needed

Wife working trauma, level 1 hospital. Guy comes in, abdominal pain. Says he was at a party, hasn’t been able to shit for 2 days. Scan shows full size Glade Air Freshener can inserted in his rectum. ‘No idea how it got there.’ Kicker is, it was inserted bottom first, so concave side in, full suction. Wife gives paralytic to relax all his muscles, inserts a hose to equalize pressure double fisted up some dude’s ass to retrieve said Glade can. Operation a success. This is, I believe, the third or fourth large object she has removed from some dude’s ass. I don’t get specifics, just the gist of these stories.

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