HOT TODAY: Stories and Selection of the best dad jokes

What do you call a fake noodle?

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

5 1 vote
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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure.”

5 1 vote
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

0 0 votes
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Wednesday One-Liners Like to Move It, Move It!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us.

Thank you for your patience.

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The Bouncer Made Them Wait Two Hours

Bimbette tourist: Oh my god! What’s that? It looks like a cool, underground club or secret hideout.
Friend: Um, that’s the entrance to the subway.

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What do you call a toothless bear?

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear!

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Sawing off a metal cock ring

I was still in med school at the time, but I saw a guy for follow up who had used a metal cock ring which then proceeded to get stuck. He didn’t seek help for a day and then finally went to the ER where they had to saw off the cock ring. The horrific swelling and bruising wasn’t quite so bad by the time I saw him but don’t worry, he showed me a picture of what it looked like right after they sawed the ring off. I saw another dude, probably late 60s or early 70s, with similar levels of brushing and swelling who had gotten overenthusiastic with a penis pump. He very kindly told me to warn all my patients about the dangers of penis pumping. I became an OB/GYN instead

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Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

They work on many levels.

5 1 vote
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Not the smartest drunk, but definitely the most clever

One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up. 

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Two goldfish are in a tank

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

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What washes up on very small beaches?

What washes up on very small beaches?

Micro-waves

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A banana that has seen it all

Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.

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How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

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Don’t They Know They Can’t Jump?

Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.

5 1 vote
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