HOT TODAY: Stories and Jokes for Friends and Family

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Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?
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Girl #1: I am, like, so sick of eating matzah!
Girl #2: I’m not Jewish, but I like to eat it.
Girl #1: Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?
Girl #2: I think it’s, like, because the Jews were baking bread when the Nazis came and they didn’t have time to wait for it to cook, right?

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Naked gator wrestling
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Obligatory not a doctor, but this is my friend’s dad’s favorite story (He was an ER doc): There was a frat house that had a pet alligator in a large aquarium. (I’m sure this was against their university’s policy, but that’s besides the point.) One drunken frat boy for whatever reason decided to get in the tank with the gator naked.

The gator apparently didn’t take too well to this and bit him in a rather sensitive area. He was too embarrassed to explain the source of his injury to a doctor so he waited three days and by then it had become infected. I believe the guy now qualifies for a Darwin Award…

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Why do you smear peanut butter in the road?
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Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road? / A: To go with the traffic jam.

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What do you call a blind deer?
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What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.

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Why did bread break up with margarine?
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Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?

A. Because he found a butter lover.

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Why should you never trust stairs?
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Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

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What did the tie say to the hat?
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What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

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Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
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Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

They work on many levels.

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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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Also Because You’re Wearing Short-shorts and Rollerskates
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Teenage boy #1: All I’m saying is it’s false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you’re a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You’re telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I’m a fag?

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Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though
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Girl: Why do you like her so much?

Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!

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What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
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What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1

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What kind of shoes does a spy wear?
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What kind of shoes does a spy wear?

Sneakers.

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A failed ruse
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My friends ripped a parking meter out of the ground and threw it off the fourth floor of their dorm to get it open.

It didn’t open, so they did it again.

It still didn’t open, so they toted it back up and kept it in their room until the end of the year, when they put it back in the ground.

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Virtual-reality self-prostitution
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I used to play a game called Phantasy Star Universe and I would be my own pimp AND my own hoe. I had my main account (let’s call him Dudeman) and my hoe account (let’s call her Galchick). so there was like the main floor area and people would like try to sell nudes for money (in-game, not IRL) and I was like “nobody actually does that… do they?” so I made Galchick and I took off her clothes so she was in her underwear, and then I said ONE thing on the main floor and some guy took the bait right away. he invited me back to his house and I was like “omg I’m sorry, I’m new to this! how do you transfer money?” and he did it to show me how… and then he asked for my character to teabag his and moan into the mic, and I was like a 15 year old boy, so instead… I just blocked him and took the money. that’s when I realized my one, true calling. I did it for months and I’d transfer the money from Galchick to Dudeman and all my friends wondered how I had super good gear. I miss that game everyday…

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