HOT TODAY: Popular Stories and Selection of the best dad jokes

Why do ducks have feathers?

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

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Why my parents can’t take me seriously

So one time I was home alone and it was around dinnertime when I decided to make myself something to eat. I opened the freezer and dug around until I found what appeared to be chicken nuggets in an unopened plastic bag that for some reason, didn’t have any cooking instructions. Thinking that my parents must have thrown away the box for box tops, I called my mom to ask how long and at what temperature to cook chicken nuggets. She told me both of them, I laid out about 20 on a tray and stuck it in the oven, setting the timer before I walked out of the kitchen. When it was almost time to get my chicken nuggets, I walked into a cinnamon scented kitchen. I searched all over that kitchen, trying to find the cinnamon scent, leading me to the oven. I decide to turn on the oven light to see if maybe my mom had stuck some cookies in the oven and forgot to bake them, but instead, I find that the tray my chicken nuggets were on has cookies on it instead! As I’m trying to process what just happened, I hear the front door open and my mom shout delightedly, “Ooooo what’s that smell?” She walks into the kitchen and catches my confused expression. That’s when the spark ignited and she realized exactly what had happened. Somehow in some form, I had accidentally baked snickerdoodles. And that is why my parents can never take my cooking seriously.

3 1 vote
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And the Lord said unto John

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

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In a Totally Unrelated Question, What Gets Out Blood?

Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!

4 1 vote
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My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

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Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they’re all shellfish.

5 1 vote
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

4 1 vote
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Now that’s what I call stupid

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date.

He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza.

We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.”

I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs.

We never had a second date.

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What do dentists call their x-rays?

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

5 1 vote
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Slappy trails

One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.

1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.

2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.

Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…

SMACK.

I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.

I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.

4 1 vote
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A party in a church never turns out well

Rave party in a church. Some half-brown dreadlocked dude in a Jesus costume fucked a girl in the priest booth above the DJ stage.

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What has four wheels and flies?

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.

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