Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?
Q: Why did the tomato blush? / A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.
So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.
Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.
Q: What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?
A: A title wave.
Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
They just don’t have the guts.
My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?
Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.
So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?
THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?
I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.
Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don’t think Dave minded that much. He’s Canadian.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.
Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.
I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”