Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
Friend of mine was at a party the cops busted. It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow.
Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says “you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,” proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg. Funny as shit.
Guy #1: Dude, they should have a phone where you just say 92454.
Guy #2: Man, they already have that.
Guy #1: Yeah, but without numbers.
Guy #2: Stupid.
Guy #1: They should also have a video phone, so you can see who you’re talking to.
Guy #2: They already have that.
Guy #1: Man, technology is good. But it’s also stupid…Technology is going to destroy us.
Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they makeup.
Why was the ghost so tired?
He worked the graveyard shift.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
When I was around 9 years old I was starting to get confused about my sexuality so I would always look up “Are You Gay” quizzes on our family computer because I was scared and confused, and my mom eventually saw the searches in the history and confronted me about it. I lied about it and said I had accidentally clicked an ad. As it turns out, I am gay.
I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
Which bear is the most condescending?
Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
They just don’t have the guts.
What do frogs use to track their exercise?
Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)