HOT TODAY: Jokes for You

What washes up on very small beaches?

What washes up on very small beaches?

Micro-waves

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Sniffing candles with my best friend

So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles. They all smelled strange so we started to think about names we could give them ‘grandma’s toilet cleaning agent’ or sth like this. Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. Suddenly my brother’s best friend stood behind us and from this day he’s thinking that I’m taking drugs.

I don’t.

I just sniff candles with my best friend to burst out in laughter.

4 1 vote
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Well, What Do I Know about Foreign Capitals?

Hipster boy: That’s why they call this the windy city?

Hipster girl: This isn’t the windy city — that’s Seattle!

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Got too close to a raccoon

We had a pet raccoon for two days (long party) who would hang out with us. We thought he was a nice furry guy, but then he betrayed us. We were pretty drunk, he left, came back with friends, looted our house.

I don’t want to be anti raccoon, but it is hard for me to trust them now. If you read this Fritz: Reconsider. Come back and we’ll start over.

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

5 1 vote
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Slappy trails

One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.

1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.

2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.

Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…

SMACK.

I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.

I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.

4 1 vote
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Which is faster, heat or cold?

Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.

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My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

They work on many levels.

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What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?

Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? 

A. Patty!

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What has four wheels and flies?

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.

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I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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What do dentists call their x-rays?

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

5 1 vote
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What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?

What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?

cat-astrophe.

5 1 vote
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