HOT TODAY: Funny Stories and Jokes for Friends and Family

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

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What does a nosey pepper do?

What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business. 

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Where do wasps like to get lunch?

Where do wasps like to get lunch?

A bee-stro.

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Why did the tomato turn red?

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

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The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

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Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

He got fired.

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I told my doctor I heard buzzing

I told my doctor I heard buzzing,

but he said it’s just a bug going around.

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Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?

Q. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?

A. He just flipped.

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I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

5 1 vote
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A banana that has seen it all

Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.

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50 shades of butt

So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.

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He thought he saw Aurora Borealis

I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!

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