What do you call a cow with a twitch?
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
Where do wasps like to get lunch?
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing,
but he said it’s just a bug going around.
Q. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
A. He just flipped.
I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?
“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”
Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.
So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.
I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!