HOT TODAY: Funny Stories and Jokes Anyone Can Remember

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What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
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What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

The sta-tues.

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Little thief
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When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

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The day my teacher stole my headphones
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During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud.

I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless.

He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year

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What did the tie say to the hat?
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What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

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Why do you smear peanut butter in the road?
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Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road? / A: To go with the traffic jam.

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What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
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Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.

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Never disturb a blacked-out man
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Guy who was passed out dead-drunk, someone thought it would be funny to hit him in the balls.

Sleeping dude jumps up with ninja speed and stands in the middle of the room in fighting position, looks confused at us all laughing, mumbles something, goes back to his sleeping place and lays down.

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Already Taken Care Of
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Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?

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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature
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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

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What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?
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What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?

Mystery meat.

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Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
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Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?

It was all booked up.

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I started a new job as a tailor last week
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I started a new job as a tailor last week.

It’s been sew-sew.

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Ah, Screw It, I’ll Do It
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Tourist to another: Ummm, we’re on Hew-stin. How do we get to–

Passerby: –Dude, it’s pronounced How-ston, not ‘Hew-stin.’ You better say it right, or someone else who’s not as nice as me will beat you up.

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Why Would He Buy a Bag from Himself?
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Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Woman: No.
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.

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First phone accident
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When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. It was a pink little slide phone where you’d slide it sideways and have the texting keyboard and all. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. My mom ended up giving me her first flip phone which didn’t even have a camera or the option to have music or photos transferred. Lesson learned.

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