Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school.
My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive).
Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.
I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”
I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.
What does a house wear?
Why is sand so optimistic?
It has a can-dune attitude.
What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
What kind of shape may have been knighted?
College. Guy goes upstairs to pass out. Girl is already in the bed of his choosing. Amazing sex sounds.
Morning after, horrible screaming. Guy and Girl turn out to be siblings.
What do we want?
Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date.
He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza.
We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done.
He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.”
I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs.
We never had a second date.
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly.
Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us.
Thank you for your patience.