Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
The foreign exchange student from Sweden took too much MDMA and ended up dancing in the living room with his pants and briefs pulled down.
There he was, in the living room of a massive party, with his tiny little dick swaying back and forth. He was kicked out, and kept coming back dancing with his pants at his ankles.
He came back the next day to apologize; it was his first week being a foreign exchange student at our school. Yes, a meme was made.
Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.
My mom had a guy bring his son in with a penny in his nose. No problem, popped it out. Couple minutes later, gets a call that someone had a penny in nose. She says, no, I already took care of that. They insisted there was someone with a penny in his nose. Went out to check, there was the very same sheepish dad with a penny up HIS nose. ‘I just wanted to see how he did it…’ was his explanation.
Q. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
A. He just flipped.
Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye
Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why is sand so optimistic?
It has a can-dune attitude.
So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.
But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.
She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were a lot of knights.