So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.
I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.
I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
HS Girl: That’s all she talks about. She watches Star Trek, she talks about Star Trek, she gets Star Trek tattoos all over her body.
HS Guy: At least my tattoo is cool.
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?
“You’ve been on fire!”
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
I got piss drunk and wandered off to McDonalds, which was like a mile off campus. I don’t remember even leaving but I got a call a week later from the McDonald’s saying I didn’t get the job because I didn’t go to the interview. I guess in my drunken state I got there and realized I had no money so I must have sat there and applied for a job. Didn’t remember a thing
Spanish thug #1: I’m all about love, man, but I never say it, like, I loved my ex.
Spanish thug #2: What is love? And not the general meaning of it.
Spanish thug #1: It’s like feeling sick to your stomach. (pause) Right?
Spanish thug #2: Yeah, that’s good.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!
An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, “Hey son. Whatcha got there?”
The kid replies, “I got me some chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.”
The old timer responds, “Oh son, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
“Well, I’ll be…'” says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?”
The kid responds, “I got me some duct tape. I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”
The old timer laughs, “Son, you can’t catch no ducks using duct tape.”
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape.”
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?”
The kid shouts back to the old timer, “I got me some pussy willow.”
The old timer shouts out, “Hold on son…while I get my hat!”
Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?
They were engaged.
When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.
Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.
I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”
Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”
When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.
One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure.
Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.