Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.
Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.
Invite a friend over to drink late night, 10 min later he calls us saying he’s in the living room. He’s nowhere to be found, look outside to see two cop cars and his car in the neighbor’s driveway.
Turns out he walked into my friends neighbors house piss drunk asking where we were at like 2 a.m .
What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?
“I’m a big fan.”
In second grade, I told everyone that I was leaving school before next semester to move to Hollywood to play Megan’s cousin from Vermont on Drake and Josh. At first I just told my best friend, but then the whole school found out. I had people coming up to me and asking me for my autograph and a teacher even asked for a picture with me. When I showed up on the first day of school in third grade, I told everyone that the show was going off the air after the season finished (even though I had no knowledge of when it was ending), and so they wouldn’t need me. AND THE SHOW ENDED AFTER THAT SEASON AND EVERYONE BELIEVED ME UP UNTIL LIKE 6TH GRADE BUT NOW MY BEST FRIEND WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET ABOUT IT AND I’M SO ANGRY.
Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.
Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
College. Guy goes upstairs to pass out. Girl is already in the bed of his choosing. Amazing sex sounds.
Morning after, horrible screaming. Guy and Girl turn out to be siblings.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I’m a faux pa.
I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
No pun in ten did.
When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!
Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they makeup.
Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
A: Because it was two tired.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure.”
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”