Jokes for Adults

What do we want?

What do we want?

Low-flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!

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I tried to win a suntanning competition

I tried to win a suntanning competition.

But all I got was bronze.

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How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB.

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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels.

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

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What did the cupcake tell its frosting?

Q: What did the cupcake tell its frosting? / A: I’d be muffin without you.

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What did the tie say to the hat?

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

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Already Taken Care Of

Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?

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Want to hear a joke about construction?

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I’m still working on it.

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Chinese class

I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

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Sniffing candles with my best friend

So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles. They all smelled strange so we started to think about names we could give them ‘grandma’s toilet cleaning agent’ or sth like this. Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. Suddenly my brother’s best friend stood behind us and from this day he’s thinking that I’m taking drugs.

I don’t.

I just sniff candles with my best friend to burst out in laughter.

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Penile fracture

Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies.

It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night

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What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”

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A girl who lost all inhibitions

One of my friends and I were at a house party. She drank 8 shots of tequila one right after the other and then proceeded to have bareback anal sex on the front lawn while everyone watched. Not one of her finest moments. She’s a Mormon now, apparently.

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